Today I am finally able to write and say the truth. The past 4 months had been hell. I really hope it is over now. Every month I had either bad news or lost someone. The last one? The guy that I was talking about in my gay post. He died last week… in a car accident. That was the last drop.
For the past 4 months, I had to play the role of a girl who smiled and be nice to others, but the demons inside me were slowing but surely,taking control of myself. It was hard to wake up and had insomnia, either didn’t want to eat or eat like crazy. Gave up on going outside and find pleasure in things that one day was making me happy. I isolated myself and the only relief I had was crying. I got almost to the point of being aggressive with my parents, told them that I hate them and don’t want them in my life anymore. Depression was taking over me.
When I started to understand what was going on, I slowly began to ask for help. One of my friends is a therapist and he immediately understood that something was wrong with me. He told me that I have to fight with myself. as depression is not curing itself. My answer? “You’re wrong. It can’t happen to me”. And yet ,it did. And that was the moment when I realised that I have some amazing people next to me. Even though they were in other cities or countries, they helped me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is still hope. I learned to love myself again. And the biggest lesson of all was that if I don’t love myself, no one will do. Some of the people that I thought were my friends disappeared, but instead, people who I have never thought I will be friends with, prove themselves to be true friends.
I am still fighting, but I am getting there. Step by step, I am becoming a better person. The most frightening part is over. No more black thoughts, no more isolation. I went back to exercise and job hunting. I started to post on social media and went out with friends. Went for walks by myself. And read. A lot. This was really helpful.
What I am trying to say with this post is that depression can happen to anyone of us. Regardless of religion, race, color, nationality. And then is the moment when you have to choose what’s next. The end of the road or asking for help. The biggest advice I would give up is to don’t isolate from others. And don’t think you can cure it by yourself without any help.
Depression is not only affecting me or you. Is affecting millions of people worldwide. Some of them are ashamed to recognize it as they may be treated as mentally ill. When it comes to your life, don’t give a shit about what others have to tell you. Depression if not treated or at least dealt with, is like a silent criminal who is taking the life out of you.
Never lose hope. There is always light…a door….an escape. Fight with yourself and don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. And never forget that the people who truly love you will be there no matter what.
And don’t forget something: you are love and deserve the best.