“Stay a little longer”

Today I will talk about one of the saddest parts of my life. And I hope that this will help someone who is going/went through the same thing.

I had the blessing to have the most amazing grandparents you can ever think. That type of elders like in the fairytales we grew up with: caring, loving, supportive, and the best cookers.

I lost my first grandpa when I was 8. Before going to school, my grandma called and said that he is gone. Although it hurt a lot, I was too little to understand the real deal. I only knew that he became my angel. The second one taught me the most important lesson of my life and the saddest at the same time. I was 20, studying abroad. It was time to go back to uni, and I went to say goodbye to them. I was coming back home in less than a month, so I didn’t stay too long then. For the first time in my life, my grandpa was begging me to stay a little more. Few more minutes. I was in such a rush that I didn’t couldn’t but promised him that I will be back soon and then I will stay longer for sure. And next time I did stay longer. At the cemetery. He died 2 weeks after I went back to uni. I wasn’t able to attend his funeral and didn’t have the chance to say a proper goodbye.
For 8 years I hated myself more than you can ever imagine. For being in a rush, for not staying with him longer, for not saying goodbye, for everything. I went through an unbelievable mental pain. I ended up with depression and panic attacks. But eventually, I started to heal and move on.

My grandma (his wife) is 84. And today, after years of being apart, her sons and her nephews gathered together around a big table, full of laughs and stories and memories and great food. At one point, she acted like she was saying goodbye to us. Not directly, but choosing the right words. I felt that completely. And she asked just for one thing: to stay a little longer. And this time, I stayed. We stayed for 7 hours (don’t know when the time passed). And we will meet again tomorrow. If she feels like this may the end for her, I want to make sure that she is loved and cared for.

We don’t know what life has in store for us. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone. So please do me a favor, guys. Next time you visit your elders, stay a little longer, and show them more love. Call them more often. You never know when it is the end. I would give years of my life for 5 more minutes with my grandfathers. But I can’t and it hurts. I took them for granted, so please don’t do the same mistake.

P.s. Love you lots, my angels…I wish you could’ve just stayed a little longer 😦

An Easter to remember.

Hello everyone! I hope you and your families are all fine. Happy Easter!!Today is the third day of Orthodox Easter. And this is the topic for today. How this Easter (not only the orthodox but also the catholic one) was more special than in the past years.

We are going through a dark period. A period of uncertainty, mixed feelings, far from the ones we love and apparently with no brighter future. Apparently. I can definitely say that this Easter was one of the biggest life lessons someone could ever give us.

As much as I hate to say it, this virus also has something good. Brings people back together. And no, I am not talking about exes 🙂 I am talking about people that we always said we wanted to contact them but never got the chance, as we were way too busy, running for stupid things. Things that now are useless.

This Easter showed the human side of us. Not the material one. We didn’t have the chance to show off the last bag or dress we bought, the new mani/pedi we got or how we made our hair for a fancy party. Nope. We didn’t even get the chance to go to the church. We had to find the faith inside us. Or at least, what was left. For the first time, we had to find the light within ourselves and not get it from the church.

This Easter was a reset button for most of us. Why? Because we did or at least I hope we did understand that the biggest gift life gave us is the family. Having the opportunity to call your loved ones and hearing that they are safe and sound, is priceless. It was for the first time in 28 years when calling my grandmothers on the first day of Easter made me cry. Of sadness and happiness at the same time. It made me realize that I am more vulnerable and emotional when it comes to my family than I have ever thought. Not being able to see our friends,family and the people we love, showed once more how insignificant our life is without love. And closure. Maybe this virus and the quarantine will make all of us understand that we can have as much money we want, fancy clothes or expensive stuff. We can have EVERYTHING we want. But if we do not have our family or the people we love and care for, with us to share all of this, we are NOTHING.

Hopefully, next year, things will go back to normal and we will be together and celebrate Easter. But there will be different versions of ourselves. Better ones. Because, by then, we will learn to appreciate more the freedom and love. And live in the moment, without excuses.

Stop running. Start living.

We are used to running. And I am not talking about sport. I am talking about running for money, for things, happiness, everything. But we forget we are running out of time. We do not know where is the finish line. No one knows. However, in this marathon, we forget to live. And breathe.

Take a moment to breathe. Just do it. And think of when was the last time you had a break. Not the typical work break, but a break for your soul. A break to do what you always wanted to do, but didn’t have time as you were busier to run.

This virus is more than a disease. It is a “tool” to give us a reset. To remember what are the most important things. I have decided to stay at home. Go back to my parents and stay with them and my dog for 2 weeks at least. And believe me that I feel as if I am a child again. I have the chance to get some time with them again without being pressured by the fact that I have work to do or I am too busy to talk to them. Nope. I am cooking with my mom, enjoying a glass of wine with my father while we remember the old times and spend quality time with my dog. Reconnecting with them and myself. I have plenty of time to call my grandmothers and make sure they are ok, taking care of the plants, doing the courses I wanted and even writing on the blog.

We are so consumed by the work and everyday stress that we forget that our emotions dictate time, not clocks. This is our time to look next to us and within us and appreciate what we have. Now we can reflect on ourselves, enjoy the moment, manifest and let go of all the negative emotions we’ve carried with us for a long time. Due to everything stopping/ being closed, the planet is healing. It is our time to heal too.

So what are you waiting for? Staying at home is not that bad. Not on this occasion. Grab a book, watch a movie, cook something new. Do a change in your house. Mediate and manifest. Call your parents and grandparents. Make them happy. Listen to your soul and do something for it.

Maybe after all of this panic will end and the things will come back to normal, you will get back to your stress and worries. Or maybe, this quarantine will help to understand yourself better and make a difference to what it really matters.

Give it a shot. Stay at home. You are not only helping you but others too. And start living 🙂

Common sense vs coronavirus. Which one is the winner?

Coronavirus is the main topic worldwide for the past months. Wherever you go, whatever you do it is impossible to not hear about it. Media is full of news, breaking news and fake ones regarding the topic. Thousands of opinions, advices and conspiracy theories. So what is left to do?

Going from ” it is just a damn flu” to “it has been created by certain governments to kill the old people”, the individuals are slowly but surely getting in a vicious cycle. When the media is stronger than common sense, the first battle is already lost. The panic is installed and the people are starting to act like animals. Starting with fighting for toilet paper (!!!!) and ending with bulk shopping, they completely forget that is just a flu and not the hunger games.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is not important, because for damn sure it is, but just take a break for a moment, breath and use your brain to differentiate what you hear vs what is truly going on at the moment. I am from a country where we got from 3 cases to 70 in a few days, just because 2 idiots who were infected, preferred to keep their mouth shut, lie in the declaration and act as they’ve never been in an infected zone just to don’t go into quarantine. They put in danger their families and others just because they thought nothing will happen. We have Italians coming and being very aggressive for being put straight into quarantine claiming that they are healthy, while the tests are showing the contrary.

It is only about 2 weeks of quarantine. Instead of infecting your parents and grandparents (who are the most affected), stay in the house and isolate yourself. Have common sense and understand that you are not only in the world. How would you feel knowing that because of your ignorance and stupidity, your grandparents, or even worse, your parents would die?? Can you live with the thought?

In a world full of ” I am the only one who matters” can we still have humanity within us and act accordingly?? Can we understand that our actions create reactions too? More than any health subject regarding this virus, I believe that this is a life lesson that we are supposed to learn. And not by emptying the stores. Nope. Is about learning to respect and care for the one next to us. It is about respecting more the heroes who are working as hard as they can to cure the patients with the risk of getting ill themselves. It is about basic hygiene procedures. Things that should normally be done. Not only for this virus.

I saw online a picture of an old lady looking to do grocery shop. She had nothing to choose from. Now I am asking you: if you know that your mom or grandmother is at risk of being killed by a virus and furthermore is unable to buy things that can save her from getting infected, would you still buy like the end of the world is coming???? What are you going to do with so many things and food?????Throwing it for expiring???

I am truly wishing that this situation will soon end, or at least ameliorate. Especially for death cases. And for all of those who at the moment have someone infected. We should all pray for them. It is the minimum we can do. And maybe we learn something from this until is too late. Wish you all the best and get well soon.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn…

For a very long period, I refused to believe this. When people are looking at you and treat you as a failure, your first reaction is to see only the dark side. No lights at the end, no stars, nothing. Plain darkness.

Have you ever been in a situation when you feel like you have no option, life purpose or hope? A moment when you feel like your life is ending although you are still young? Well, it happens to most of us at some point in our lives, even though we want to admit it or not. And having people judging or leaving you when you need them the most is not helping too much.

When you are unemployed for a long period (1 year+) due to various reasons, people don’t want to listen to your story but treat you as if you deserve anything good. As if you are a wreck. This includes family. It is awful to hear from you blood-related people remarks like: ” Oh noo. This is the end of your life.no one will hire you now. You lost it all”.Not even a cheering phrase or a good word. Nothing.

And then you have 2 choices: give up or move on and see what life has for you. In my case,I’ve decided to isolate myself from those toxic people and look for support and help in strangers. And I managed somehow to see a light. It is still a long way to go, but at least I am slowly moving. I started another blog (travel one), I am doing new courses and developing myself both personally and professionally, and helping others who were in my situation. More than my closest friends and my parents, no one knows what I am doing, because I stopped giving an explanation to anyone.

I had strangers helping me more than my own family. And I fought so much with myself that I am finally proud of myself. Life goes on, but you can’t ever forget who was truly next to you when you needed them. Those who believed in you, when you were at your lowest point.Family isn’t always blood.Family is made by those who truly love and care about you.

And remember that no matter what you are going through at the moment, there will always be a light at the “end of the tunnel”. And that the darkest hour is just before the dawn.

2019- The year of transformation

Happy New Year lovely people!!!! I hope you will have a fantastic 2020, full of happiness and wishes fulfilled 🙂

“How was 2019 for you?” It is the question that I hear it since the year finished. And most of the answers are: “hard, nightmare, horrible”. Very few answers :”great, amazing, good”.

In my opinion, 2019 was a decisive year. A year of transformation. At least for myself. I started it with depression and I thought that it will be the end. It wasn’t. 2019 taught me how to raise and work to pull myself together. I lost and let people go out of my life: together or temporary. From priest to online help finder, I did everything to help me get an answer to what was wrong with me and why did I feel that way. A depressive girl in January ended up being the woman who helped others in December.

Regaining balance was the best thing 2019 taught me. And developing myself. I almost lost my grandma in July and that was a wake-up call. I started to get closer to the family, appreciate more the people around me and find out who was truly there for me. The transformation was going on, becoming stronger and with more lessons to get through. I stopped being the people pleaser, chose very carefully my entourage and started to fight for my dreams.

December was my final test. The man who a year ago, left me on Christmas day, got married. And then is when I finally understood that I was healed because I felt nothing at all. The winter holidays were the best in the last 7 years. Full of joy, love and happiness. The new me was there.

Looking back, 2019 was a beautiful nightmare. A roller-coaster that took me all over the places that I needed to improve and further develop myself. It was the year to gain back my friends and family. I hope that this one will be better and that I finally get everything back on track. Step by step.

And the most important thing: I want to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who are reading my posts and are part of Yanny’s Journey. I love you and wish you all the best!! 🙂

Be happy with yourself

Nobody can make you happy until you are happy with  yourself first. It is one of the most important lessons a woman needs to learn. This year taught me this the hardest way. I always was one of those people who care more about the needs of others and loved people more than myself.

I’ve always put myself in the last position, just to make sure that the ones around me are good. Little thing I knew that I was slowly, but surely losing myself. I got up to the point where I was exhausted, with a huge need for a break from reality. There were some problems and when I needed help, I realized that some of the people I was always there for, completely disappeared or told me that they have better things to do. That was the wake-up call. As a people pleaser, always seeking validation and attention from others, I decided it was time for a break. I felt empty, with no purpose in life, feeling like no people were caring or loving me. It was just me, myself and I.

I stayed in the darkness (mental darkness) for like 4 days. Refusing to get out of my room, sleeping and thinking. And one morning, I woke up and was like: it is time to care for myself. And the most important thing…..learn to love me again. I started to read, get involved in volunteering, do the things I loved the most. I even did a course that I wanted for years, but every time I was finding excuses to don’t. Done all the changes that I was craving for, but been too afraid to do them due to what people would say.

It’s been 2 months since I took that decision. And I frankly tell you that I am changed. It seems like the one I was at the beginning of the year, compared to the one I am now, is like 2 different persons in the same body. I don’t care about what others have to say, I don’t settle for less anymore, what I receive is what I give. I had people telling me (some of those who left me when I needed them the most) that they miss the old me as I was always there for them.

For all of you who are reading this and are in a similar situation, don’t ever leave yourself in second place. Your family, lover or friends can give you advice but it’s your decision on what you do with your life. Don’t live the life others want you to, live the life that makes you happy.

Keep going for your dreams, become the person you want and keep next to you only those who proved they are genuine. And never forget: You are the only RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. Look in the mirror and you will see the person that will always be there for you….and then you will realize your real value.

“Drugs destroyed my life”

I needed to take some time off from everything. The past month was a huge life lesson. A lesson that thought me how a single moment can destroy your life.

How it all started ? Like this. I had a childhood friend:very nice, well-behaved guy. He was able to move the mountains for his dreams. His family situation was never Ok, but he never stopped fighting for himself and his grandma who raised him.(his parents are divorced and he loved to stay more with his grandma due to a home situation).

Our roads separated when we moved to different countries. He was working in popular restaurants and had a dream to win a cooking contest. He did it. And that was the moment which changed his life. He won an important amount of money and was having a lot of plans.The last time I met him was 4 years ago after he won it. He told me about what he wants to do further and was very happy. But after one year, he moved back in Romania and entered an entourage which literally destroyed him. He changed completely towards everyone and forgot about his hometown friends. I tried to contact him several times, with no outcome… Little we or his family knew that in his entourage, drugs were an ordinary thing 😦

Last year, his grandma died. It was the “end” of his life and his career. During his funeral, he was on drugs, but no one knew. He attacked a beggar, but people thought it was due to his sorrow caused by the loss. His father took him home and he jumped on the window to escape. That night, he killed a woman. A stranger.He hit her with extreme aggressivity until she died… The last month was his trial. He received 10 years of prison. His last words when he said goodbye to us were”Drugs destroyed my life”

Guys, I had known and still know people dealing with drug addiction. I lost friends (took their lives) because of this. The reasons for using drugs? Mainly entourage.They don’t want to look stupid in front of their friends. Or family problems.

Please ask for help. Drugs are not healing, are destroying:dreams. lives, families, EVERYTHING. One single moment destroyed my friend’s life. Only one. He can’t remember how he hit her or how he fell asleep next to her. The only thing he remembers is that while he was drugged, he had the impression that demons are following him.

Drug addiction can be healed. In time and with specialist support, there is a way to give up. Just try. Don’t leave drugs to destroy your life too. If not for you, do for the people you love and for the dreams you have. And remember that the night is the darkest before the dawn. There is always hope.

What will people say?

Choices. Every day you must choose: from basic things (food,clothes ,etc) to major decisions. Sometimes is easy, sometimes is not. There are times when a choice can forever affect your life. Especially those made to please the others.

I.personally made some bad choices throughout my life.I had moments when I wanted to give up on everything :including my life.Then I realised that the only one who can change anything is me. Sometimes it seems we only have two choices:to choose the easy way or to give up. No efforts, no middle way,nothing. This giving up thing and the easy way are only results of our low self-confidence. We don’t trust ourselves. And most of the time, I hear “what will people say if I do that/love that person?” For 20 years, I lived with this . Gave up on people I loved and on my dreams because the ones around me were controlling my life and decided for me. Up to a point.

We must wake up and understand that we only have one life. The world is not taking care of us, be with us when we feel alone. It’s in our power to draw the lines of our life the way we want. Our parents lived their life the way they wanted. Times are changing. We are changing.Stand up for yourself and live the life you always dreamed of. Let the people talk, they will never shut up. But your own happiness and your true love is a one-way only ticket. If you lose it, it won’t come back.

So what do you choose? Live with the world? Care about what will they say? Or be happy?

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If tomorrow never comes.

One of the best things about working in the hospitality industry is that you get to know people. Not only customers. They are coming and going. But you get to work in a team that if you are lucky enough can become like your family.

I had the chance to be part of 2 amazing teams. With most of my ex-colleagues I am still afriend and talk anytime we have the chance. During my last job, I had the opportunity to meet one of the nicest and funniest people ever. His name was Paul. I have never , ever seen him angry or sad. Or saying no to helping others. He was always there, anytime we were calling him he was coming and help. I’ve been blessed to work many shifts together and he taught me a lot of things. Both personal and professional. Such a lovely, funny and smiley person. Last time I talked to him was a couple months ago. He was happy, telling me about his family. His wife, children and granddaughter were his weak point. He was absolutely over heels when was talking about them.

Last night, I have received a message. It was from one of my ex-colleagues. “Paul went for a run and suffered a heart attack. He died” . WHATTTTT????????? Whooooo?????? I didn’t believe it for a second. I called my ex-manager. She was crying. Paul was dead. Our lovely man is not with us anymore. At that moment I hated myself. I have said so many times that I will call him or at least text to check on him. But always something came up and forgot about it. Now I can’t call him anymore…

The same happened with one of my grandfathers few years ago. I was getting ready to fly back abroad, as the holiday was over and had to get back to uni. I quickly went to say goodbye to him and my grandmother. Although he asked me to stay a little longer, that day I didn’t do it. I told him I was going to see him in the next holiday. Kissed and hugged both of them and went home. Didn’t think about it anymore. 2 weeks later, I dreamed of him. He was saying goodbye. The next morning he was found dead in the hospital. I didn’t have the chance to attend his funeral and say goodbye. 7 years later, I still feel guilty and it hurts that in that day I didn’t stay longer. Regrets are worthless now. It won’t bring anyone back.

The aim of this is to understand that we should appreciate more the people we have next to us. Call them more often, text and see how are they doing. Value them more when they are alive and not regretting after. It is enough a moment. To lose all. Maybe they are now in a better place. But we are left with wounds. Some goes with the time .Others stay there forever.

But what if tomorrow never comes?

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