A toxic relationship:the worst nightmare.

Hello everybody! For the past few days, I had this topic in mind, trying to decide if I should write about it or not. And here we are.

This post is a true story that I hope will help others who are in the same situation. There comes a moment in your life when you fall in love with the wrongest person. You know, that type of relationship who takes everything and sometimes, everyone from you, but gives nothing instead. The relationship that makes you feel worthless, incomplete, and a total wreck.

Well, the wounds left after you break up with your toxic partner are extremely hard to heal. The mental and physical pain is so hard to deal with. It feels like you have no life left inside and have no clue how to go back to your life, the one before this nightmare.

And when you think that you healed and ready to move on, someone appears in your life. A handsome, well-educated, and sexy as hell man. The type of guy with whom you speak until 3 am and feel like it’s been a 30 minutes discussion and not 5 hours one. And he sees through you, your rawest side, the one completely naked (and not talking about clothes). And at that moment, the triggers start: The comparison with the toxic ex begins, bringing back memories and wounds that you project onto the new guy. And you start to question every little thing he says or does. You want him, but at the same time, you are scared as hell.

And then one night, he disappears without saying anything. And then the worst scenario comes to your mind: you have been ghosted again. He abandoned you too. And your anxiety, overthinking, and everything else hits again. Stronger than ever. Because you realize that you had a chance with a great guy and you lost it. But he comes back. Just had an emergency….. And then is the moment when you realize that you fell for him. But what do you do when the fear of the past, still plays you? Do you fight to open up and gain a chance to be happy? Or do you lose the guy, give in to the ghost of the past and live a miserable life?

Maybe life gives you a real chance to happiness or another lesson. No one knows but as Eminem’s song says :
“Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?”

The decision belongs to each one of us. Let’s just make it the right way. Love you all and thanks for being part of Yanny’s Journey.

Top 3 ways to improve your inner happiness.

In a crazy period like this, it is almost impossible to find inner peace, let alone happiness. But we are humans and we need that state of mind to survive what is next. Therefore, this post is about how to improve and maintain your inner happiness.
This pandemic showed us that, at the end of the day it is just us and ourselves. And that we can’t rely our happiness on anyone else, as otherwise, in times like this, we would be going down for sure. This is why today I will present you top 3 ways to improve your inner happiness. So let’s get started.

Number 1: Recreate the bound with yourself

Although we don’t realize it, we have a very special relationship with our body and soul. We just have to listen to it. Pay attention to the signals, your body gives you and how are you feeling mentally. Take a look in the mirror and see how much you have changed or see the things you may want to change. (I am not talking about plastic surgeries or things that may affect your health). I am referring to the things that may make you feel better.

Number 2: Listen to your heart…and brain

Running to please the people and show how amazing we are seemed to be a national sport before this pandemic. Everyone showing their best clothes, cars, jewelry, and everything material they had. Well, what happened when this nightmare started? They lost their popularity as they didn’t have anything left to show. As they were “full ” outside, but empty inside. This is why number 2 is about feeding your heart and brain. Improve yourself spiritually. And it is not on the religious side. Nope.

-Read a book.
-Meditate.
-Pray (if you want).
-Learn a new skill.
-Call your family/friends/someone close (have a soulful talk).
-Play with your pet(if you have any).
-Create a journal/plan about what you want to do next and stick to it.
-Create a unique challenge. For example, I challenge myself to don’t pass a day without learning something new: a word, a notion, whatever. But learn.
-Do that hobby that you loved but you left it due to the lack of time.
-Start following your dreams.

Number 3: Leave the world to follow its path


There is a saying:” When the past becomes your present, you lose the future”. Read this again and decide what do you want. Stay in the past or live in the present and create your future? I am honestly telling you from my experience. When you think too much about the past, you are not only losing days of your life for nothing but also ruin your future. We should think of the past as a football game. A game that happened yesterday and that is over. Why do you want to replay the same game over and over again? Regain control over your present and create new games. Better games. Because at the end of the game called life, you do not want to be the loser…you want to be the champion.

To summarize all of the above, to find and improve inner happiness is easy. It just requires a little bit of daily time for yourself, discipline, and courage to become a better version of yourself.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn…

For a very long period, I refused to believe this. When people are looking at you and treat you as a failure, your first reaction is to see only the dark side. No lights at the end, no stars, nothing. Plain darkness.

Have you ever been in a situation when you feel like you have no option, life purpose or hope? A moment when you feel like your life is ending although you are still young? Well, it happens to most of us at some point in our lives, even though we want to admit it or not. And having people judging or leaving you when you need them the most is not helping too much.

When you are unemployed for a long period (1 year+) due to various reasons, people don’t want to listen to your story but treat you as if you deserve anything good. As if you are a wreck. This includes family. It is awful to hear from you blood-related people remarks like: ” Oh noo. This is the end of your life.no one will hire you now. You lost it all”.Not even a cheering phrase or a good word. Nothing.

And then you have 2 choices: give up or move on and see what life has for you. In my case,I’ve decided to isolate myself from those toxic people and look for support and help in strangers. And I managed somehow to see a light. It is still a long way to go, but at least I am slowly moving. I started another blog (travel one), I am doing new courses and developing myself both personally and professionally, and helping others who were in my situation. More than my closest friends and my parents, no one knows what I am doing, because I stopped giving an explanation to anyone.

I had strangers helping me more than my own family. And I fought so much with myself that I am finally proud of myself. Life goes on, but you can’t ever forget who was truly next to you when you needed them. Those who believed in you, when you were at your lowest point.Family isn’t always blood.Family is made by those who truly love and care about you.

And remember that no matter what you are going through at the moment, there will always be a light at the “end of the tunnel”. And that the darkest hour is just before the dawn.

2019- The year of transformation

Happy New Year lovely people!!!! I hope you will have a fantastic 2020, full of happiness and wishes fulfilled 🙂

“How was 2019 for you?” It is the question that I hear it since the year finished. And most of the answers are: “hard, nightmare, horrible”. Very few answers :”great, amazing, good”.

In my opinion, 2019 was a decisive year. A year of transformation. At least for myself. I started it with depression and I thought that it will be the end. It wasn’t. 2019 taught me how to raise and work to pull myself together. I lost and let people go out of my life: together or temporary. From priest to online help finder, I did everything to help me get an answer to what was wrong with me and why did I feel that way. A depressive girl in January ended up being the woman who helped others in December.

Regaining balance was the best thing 2019 taught me. And developing myself. I almost lost my grandma in July and that was a wake-up call. I started to get closer to the family, appreciate more the people around me and find out who was truly there for me. The transformation was going on, becoming stronger and with more lessons to get through. I stopped being the people pleaser, chose very carefully my entourage and started to fight for my dreams.

December was my final test. The man who a year ago, left me on Christmas day, got married. And then is when I finally understood that I was healed because I felt nothing at all. The winter holidays were the best in the last 7 years. Full of joy, love and happiness. The new me was there.

Looking back, 2019 was a beautiful nightmare. A roller-coaster that took me all over the places that I needed to improve and further develop myself. It was the year to gain back my friends and family. I hope that this one will be better and that I finally get everything back on track. Step by step.

And the most important thing: I want to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who are reading my posts and are part of Yanny’s Journey. I love you and wish you all the best!! 🙂

This Christmas you are not alone!

Merry Christmas everyone! Today we will talk about Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year. And sometimes, one of the periods which causes us the worst pain.

This post is for all the people who, at the moment are feeling lonely , heartbroken or in pain. Studies are showing that Christmas is the period when people who are struggling are feeling the pain stronger than ever. And I know how it feels. Last year, Christmas was hell for me.

I have been dumped a year ago, this day, through a text message stating that not only he leaves me on Christmas day, but also he cheated on me. The shock was so strong, that months after, I found out that I almost died that night. I still can’t remember anything else from that moment or the following days. One year after, I got my friends and family back, I am happy and healed, and slowly but surely, gaining the control back.The point is , that even the worst moment can be survived. You may feel hopeless, lonely or worthless. But you are NOT. For sure, there is at least a person who truly loves and cares about you, a reason to fight for or a dream that you always wanted to achieve. For anyone reading this and who needs help, please know that you are not alone. The darkness will pass, the light will come back into your life.

Depression can be fought, the same as loneliness or emptiness. You have the most wonderful gift someone can have: YOURSELF. Look in the mirror and see how beautiful inside and outside you are. Let the Christmas vibe get into you. Love and appreciate yourself more.

This Christmas, you are not alone. Make this the best Christmas of your life. Smile, laugh, have fun…be happy!!! Happy Merry Christmas!!!!!:)

Be happy with yourself

Nobody can make you happy until you are happy with  yourself first. It is one of the most important lessons a woman needs to learn. This year taught me this the hardest way. I always was one of those people who care more about the needs of others and loved people more than myself.

I’ve always put myself in the last position, just to make sure that the ones around me are good. Little thing I knew that I was slowly, but surely losing myself. I got up to the point where I was exhausted, with a huge need for a break from reality. There were some problems and when I needed help, I realized that some of the people I was always there for, completely disappeared or told me that they have better things to do. That was the wake-up call. As a people pleaser, always seeking validation and attention from others, I decided it was time for a break. I felt empty, with no purpose in life, feeling like no people were caring or loving me. It was just me, myself and I.

I stayed in the darkness (mental darkness) for like 4 days. Refusing to get out of my room, sleeping and thinking. And one morning, I woke up and was like: it is time to care for myself. And the most important thing…..learn to love me again. I started to read, get involved in volunteering, do the things I loved the most. I even did a course that I wanted for years, but every time I was finding excuses to don’t. Done all the changes that I was craving for, but been too afraid to do them due to what people would say.

It’s been 2 months since I took that decision. And I frankly tell you that I am changed. It seems like the one I was at the beginning of the year, compared to the one I am now, is like 2 different persons in the same body. I don’t care about what others have to say, I don’t settle for less anymore, what I receive is what I give. I had people telling me (some of those who left me when I needed them the most) that they miss the old me as I was always there for them.

For all of you who are reading this and are in a similar situation, don’t ever leave yourself in second place. Your family, lover or friends can give you advice but it’s your decision on what you do with your life. Don’t live the life others want you to, live the life that makes you happy.

Keep going for your dreams, become the person you want and keep next to you only those who proved they are genuine. And never forget: You are the only RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. Look in the mirror and you will see the person that will always be there for you….and then you will realize your real value.

Depression. The silent criminal.

Today I am finally able to write and say the truth. The past 4 months had been hell. I really hope it is over now. Every month I had either bad news or lost someone. The last one? The guy that I was talking about in my gay post. He died last week… in a car accident. That was the last drop.

For the past 4 months, I had to play the role of a girl who smiled and be nice to others, but the demons inside me were slowing but surely,taking control of myself. It was hard to wake up and had insomnia, either didn’t want to eat or eat like crazy. Gave up on going outside and find pleasure in things that one day was making me happy. I isolated myself and the only relief I had was crying. I got almost to the point of being aggressive with my parents, told them that I hate them and don’t want them in my life anymore. Depression was taking over me.

When I started to understand what was going on, I slowly began to ask for help. One of my friends is a therapist and he immediately understood that something was wrong with me. He told me that I have to fight with myself. as depression is not curing itself. My answer? “You’re wrong. It can’t happen to me”. And yet ,it did. And that was the moment when I realised that I have some amazing people next to me. Even though they were in other cities or countries, they helped me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is still hope. I learned to love myself again. And the biggest lesson of all was that if I don’t love myself, no one will do. Some of the people that I thought were my friends disappeared, but instead, people who I have never thought I will be friends with, prove themselves to be true friends.

I am still fighting, but I am getting there. Step by step, I am becoming a better person. The most frightening part is over. No more black thoughts, no more isolation. I went back to exercise and job hunting. I started to post on social media and went out with friends. Went for walks by myself. And read. A lot. This was really helpful.

What I am trying to say with this post is that depression can happen to anyone of us. Regardless of religion, race, color, nationality. And then is the moment when you have to choose what’s next. The end of the road or asking for help. The biggest advice I would give up is to don’t isolate from others. And don’t think you can cure it by yourself without any help.

Depression is not only affecting me or you. Is affecting millions of people worldwide. Some of them are ashamed to recognize it as they may be treated as mentally ill. When it comes to your life, don’t give a shit about what others have to tell you. Depression if not treated or at least dealt with, is like a silent criminal who is taking the life out of you.

Never lose hope. There is always light…a door….an escape. Fight with yourself and don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. And never forget that the people who truly love you will be there no matter what.

And don’t forget something: you are love and deserve the best.

How being bullied can completely change your life. Part 2.

It was 2010. The year when everything changed. There was a new English teacher coming to the class. S liked her since the first time she entered the room and the feeling was mutual. During one of the lectures, one of the boys verbally attacked S again. And it was for the first when someone defended her. The teacher stood up for S and told the guy to leave the room. S finally felt protected and thought that maybe if she will tell her teacher about what was going on, she may be able to give S an advice or help her. That discussion took place and not only that it helped S to be more confident about herself but also helped her open with her parents. It was one month left until S was becoming an adult. She was turning 18. But compared to her colleagues, she didn’t want any party, she just wanted a small reunion with her family. However, her parents decided to take her on a surprise holiday in Turkey. 2 weeks to spend with her parents and discover Turkey.

During the time in Turkey, S finally decided to open up and explain the situation to her parents. Everything. Step by step. My parents wanted to take me out of that class and move me to another one. But I had only one year left so in the end, I stayed in that class. But the things changed. At the beginning of the last year in high school , S changed completely. After 18 years, her parents decided to buy her a dog. It was the best present ever. That dog mentally helped S more than anything . The little friend gave S so much confidence and puppy love that she couldn’t have asked for more. S started to get out, go for walks, meet new dog owners and so on.

And the things were getting even better. One night, during dinner time, her father asked her if she would want to go and study at the university abroad. It was the moment when her life changed forever. She started to apply for uni, got accepted at 3 and pushed herself for 1 year to be sure she will have the chance to change her life. There were voices saying she won’t be able to do it, but she proved everyone wrong. She didn’t help her colleagues anymore, focused on herself and didn’t let anyone, anymore  put her down. It was her moment. And she made it. She forgot about the suicide thoughts but she is still having sometimes small panic attacks and anxiety.

As I previously said, this is a true story. And I wanted to share it with you to make you understand that there is always a way. Don’t feel ashamed to ask for help. You are not alone. Don’t let anyone make you feel worthless. Just stand up and show your true value. Suicide is NOT a solution. Don’t give up on your dreams and life just because some assholes don’t have anything better to do than making fun of yourself.  You can do it!

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How being bullied can completely change your life. Is suicide a solution? (part 1 of 2)

Hi. This is a true story of a girl . Let’s call her S. She was one of many in this world who was bullied. Who had to fight with everything she had and don’t give up. According to the official figures, at least 50% of children are being bullied at least once per month. And it keeps increasing…

The first part of this post will show her story and how everything started. How she ended up being depressed and thinking of the worst. The next post will be about how she fought against the bullies and how asking for help at the right moment can save your life.

It all started at the beginning of the high school. A new phase of life, new colleagues, new chapter. Little she knew it was the start of the worst nightmare. The first few months went well , getting used to the new teachers and courses , trying to make friends and understand how the high school system worked. She had one of the most amazing tutors someone can ask for who kept the class as a family. Until one day…. when the tutor came to say she got pregnant and she had to leave them. The new one came and everything was lost. She started to make differences between them and didn’t know how to solve conflicts. It was unbelievable how the class was changing and becoming more aggressive. S. was having a problem. She was fat. Not because she was eating like a pig but due to some health problems. The time was passing by and the boys started to bully her really bad, One of the guys posted a picture of a cow online and tagged her. That thing destroyed S. She was only 15 when this happened. 😦 She decided to speak to her colleagues and explain the situation but it got even worse. Name calling, teasing, spreading rumors and offending by all means. This is what S. had to deal with. Because she was one of the smartest girls in the class, her colleagues were asking  for help. So she thought that by giving the homework and helping them, will stop the bullying and make them being more friendly. Nope. It didn’t work.

She started to  refuse to go to the sports lessons to don’t hear rude comments anymore, didn’t want to go out with her friends and do the things she enjoyed.S was feeling worthless, ugly, ashamed…she saw herself as a monster. After trying to speak to her tutor and ask for a solution,S. realised that no one will move a finger for her. Her parents were trying to find out what was going on with her, but the only thing they were receiving was a closed door. And silence. For 3 years, this nightmare continued. Being an introvert teenager with no way to escape from the high school situation took her to the point when she thought about suicide.

This was the end… S. felt too ashamed to ask for help or explain the situation to her parents or trust people anymore. Was suicide the only solution to stop the bullying? She loved her family and had dreams…but this nightmare was affecting everything. Until one day.(part 2 soon)

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