Control is not love

Happy Easter to all the Orthodox people reading this. I hope everyone is ok. Today is about something that we tend to understand as a form of caring: control. And it is a great mistake that we do. Because, by controlling others, we only manage to push them away from our life.

Control comes in many ways but being constantly asked questions like: ” who texted/called you?”, “Why are you appearing online and who are you talking to?”, ” why/ how/when/where….?” or repeated ” suggestions” of what they think may be better for you, without asking for their opinion are only a small part of what being controlled is. And when you ask them to stop or ask for explanations, is always the same answer:” I care for/love you and want to know everything about you”. What needs to be understood is that by nature, people are free. Even though we try to understand this type of behavior, sooner or later, we’ll “break the chain and try to escape”.

Either this or if it’s family-related will try to hide everything from them. To let them know only the basics. The control is learned from childhood, when parents, with/without realizing, are implying the idea that control is a form of caring and that love is shown by this. Little do they know, that when the children grow up, will either maintain the same path or will become adults addicted to being controlled by others, as they don’t know any other way.

And don’t get me wrong, I agree with knowing what your child is doing. I am only talking about that control when you are living your child’s life. Control is toxic for any type of relationship. Parents, lovers, friends, everything. And by this, you are not losing people around you. You also show how little you trust yourself and how low is your self-esteem. Because believe it or not, control is often done by those who are frustrated (any reason), have anger problems, low self-esteem, self-love, and don’t trust themselves too much…

So next time when you are being controlled, analyze if it’s something wrong that you did, or if the problem is with them. And if the answer is the last part, then you surely deserve better. Have a fantastic Sunday everybody!

Game of narcissists

Each one of us at least once in our lives had to deal with a narcissistic. In schools, high schools, uni, work, normal life, they are everywhere. And the worst is that they are becoming more, daily.

One of the traits of a narcissist is that is unable to ever see you happy. You are never allowed to have, do, receive or be happier than them. In their mind, the world should revolve around them. But they can also represent huge damage to you. They are like energetical vampires. They suck your energy, try to make you fall for them, put you down, and then disappear. Easy peasy.

I had to deal with this type of people for my entire life. Some of them tried to change me and they saw they couldn’t, they left. Others played mind games which in the end only affected them, as I am not going for that. 

Narcissists always seek attention and approval from everybody as they think they deserve the world, but give nothing in return. They can be in a relationship and still looking for other partners as they are never happy. They lack a lot of things but try to hide this by having an arrogant, selfish attitude.

But the funniest thing in dealing with someone like this is when you give a taste of their own medicine. From my personal experience, I can tell for sure, that this is getting them out of their minds. How? Very easy. Here are 5 ways:

  1. Do you: Pay attention to your needs, desires, and feelings. Most of the time, he will feel “inferior” without recognising, and he will devalue you and your projects believing that by doing this, that feeling will disappear.
  2. Be happy:. I had people with 0 achievements, pathetic, empty-headed narcissists telling me I wasn’t good enough for love, happiness, or success. I shut them down as they didn’t deserve even a word from me and continued to pursue my dreams and happiness.
  3. Take care: Ask for help if needed as narcissists can sometimes become not only mentally but also physically aggressive. Talk to family, close friends, or anyone who could help you get out from them.
  4. Expect being heart-broken but don’t show them: And believe me this kills them (100% proved). Don’t post sad pics, quotes, whatever that can make him see you’re suffering for them. They are craving this, and it will only affect you more. I was dying inside, but always shown a happy face, and this was getting on his nerves as he was realising that he has no more power over me.
  5. Let them go: It will be hard as hell. You will suffer, and be hurt and think that you will never find someone like him (this what they do to you; making you believe that they are the best you will ever found. Trust me, they are the worst). Take time to heal your wounds, regain your power and put all the pieces back together

Although dealing with a narcissist can be painful, it also means a life-changing experience if we are talking about relationships. It will only help you to get back to your roots, see your true colors, your qualities, and what you are capable of. But never settle for someone who doesn’t see your value and only wants to make you his puppet. Don’t forget that you deserve the world!

When past returns

It is one of the saddest and dangerous things. It can either bring you down or make you happy that you moved on. But what if you are in between?

Let’s start with the beginning. You broke up, suffered as hell but eventually decided to start the healing process. There are still nights when you still cry to sleep remembering the good moments, or days when you crave that person like crazy, but get over the need to contact them. You work on yourself, on healing and becoming a better version and somewhere hoping that they will be back.

However, there comes a time when you become confused about wanting them back and realize that maybe you moved on. And then it hits you: you see them in public with someone else or see a social media story with them giving hints about being taken. And boom you are down again. Somewhere deep inside you, there was a hope, that after a period separated, you will be back together. And now they are taken. Your soul goes into pieces and the pain is back again. Everything you achieved so far in the healing process seems worthless now.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! But why?? Why there is always someone who must suffer for both. If they left you and moved on, do the same thing. You have 1 life. As much as this hurts, they weren’t for you. Nope. Let them be with whoever they want. No one is better than you. And rest assured that somewhere in this world, your person is praying to find you. I waited for 2 years a person!!! 2 years hoping that he will come back and finally see my worth. He did see…someone else’s as he got married after 3 months of the relationship. And I was the one broken. Did it matter?? For me yes…for him absolutely not. So go live your life. If they’re meant for you, they will find their way back. Stop waiting for someone who is living his best life, while you are crying like a baby seeing him happy. Let him and the pain behind. The best is yet to come.

Have a great Sunday!!:) Yanny’s journey continues!

Don’t look for the good, search for the real.

” I no longer look for the good in people, I search for the real… because while good is often dressed in fake clothing, real is naked and proud no matter the scars”. (Chishala Lishomwa). This is the quote of the day. And unfortunately, a quote that applies in life too much.

The majority of us have been raised with the idea of looking for the good in people. My grandma was telling me as a child that no matter what, I always must see the good in people. Up to a point, it worked, but life proved me the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that is not OK to do it. I am just saying that we should look for the true colors in people. Not only good or bad sides. For example, some people will only try to show you their good side and hide their bad or viceversa.

When you look only for the good, you miss the real. Your brain creates a perfect image of that specific person and when they will prove you wrong, it’s you who will suffer. Let them unfold, show their true feelings and emotions. Listen and watch. Acknowledge the red flags and what your gut has to say about them.

To be more specific, a couple of years ago I fell in love with a guy… excuse me…with the “good” in a guy. I was so happy with what I thought he was;he was showing me his good side. The ones around me saw the real him. When he showed me the real side, I was horrified. Believe me, nothing good. At all. On the other side, this experience made me pay more attention to people and my attachment to them. I lost a few more due to poker faces. But guess what? Looking for the real helped me develop more deep and insightful relationships, positive and healthy friendships and an increased self-esteem.

We should be more raw,vulnerable, REAL. We can all pretend that we’re good people, but not everyone is true.

Love you all and have a fantastic day !:)

A love story to remember.

It is a rainy day…one of those whose when the only thing you want to do is to stay in bed and cuddle and watch movies with your partner. And this weather somehow made me think of love today, so this will be the topic for today: LOVE. I went today and had a coffee with my grandma. She and my grandfather were together for 50 years. And they loved each other with the same passion until my grandpa died. They and my parents are my models when it comes to love and family. And we started to talk about relationships then and now. Somehow made me believe that maybe I was born in the wrong generation.

Nowadays, relationships are so complex but empty. We run from responsibilities, but want others to see how happy we are. We forget to build together, and when the first problem appears, we search for the easiest solving, which sometimes means either the cheating or the breakup. As my grandma was saying, people were cheating when she was young too, but now it got worse as the options are endless: social media, dating app being the biggest traps. Another thing that was different back then was that people were willing to build a life together. Now, we want everything to happen right now and not wait for things to unfold. I have friends who broke up with amazing people as they didn’t have a prosperous financial situation. Our generation is more impressed by looks and finances than the soul and what you can do with that person in the long run.

But what left me speechless was that my grandma said that people choose to stay in a toxic/out of love relationship just for the status. More specifically, what will people say? Since I was a kid, they taught that if you don’t love or don’t feel that a person is right for you, let her go. Never stay with someone just for the public status: oh, she is with someone. Nope. Be with someone who truly respects, helps you grow, and makes you become the best version of yourself. Unfortunately, I know too many cases where the man or the woman have lost the feelings for each other or are not happy anymore. But prefer to stay in a relationship for the status or the kids. And they not only lose the chance of being truly happy with someone else but also precious years, as life is not waiting for any of us.

So where is that pure, true love we all crave for? That one you take your partner and go on adventures? The one that makes you want to conquer the world and create the most amazing memories? That love that makes you feel complete and the luckiest person in the world? Am I too romantic? Am I thinking of something that doesn’t exist anymore? Or the fact that maybe we met the wrong people made us believe that love is not for us or doesn’t exist?

Until we will find the answer, I want to wish you all a fantastic weekend, and thanks for being part of Yanny’s Journey :)!

An Easter to remember.

Hello everyone! I hope you and your families are all fine. Happy Easter!!Today is the third day of Orthodox Easter. And this is the topic for today. How this Easter (not only the orthodox but also the catholic one) was more special than in the past years.

We are going through a dark period. A period of uncertainty, mixed feelings, far from the ones we love and apparently with no brighter future. Apparently. I can definitely say that this Easter was one of the biggest life lessons someone could ever give us.

As much as I hate to say it, this virus also has something good. Brings people back together. And no, I am not talking about exes 🙂 I am talking about people that we always said we wanted to contact them but never got the chance, as we were way too busy, running for stupid things. Things that now are useless.

This Easter showed the human side of us. Not the material one. We didn’t have the chance to show off the last bag or dress we bought, the new mani/pedi we got or how we made our hair for a fancy party. Nope. We didn’t even get the chance to go to the church. We had to find the faith inside us. Or at least, what was left. For the first time, we had to find the light within ourselves and not get it from the church.

This Easter was a reset button for most of us. Why? Because we did or at least I hope we did understand that the biggest gift life gave us is the family. Having the opportunity to call your loved ones and hearing that they are safe and sound, is priceless. It was for the first time in 28 years when calling my grandmothers on the first day of Easter made me cry. Of sadness and happiness at the same time. It made me realize that I am more vulnerable and emotional when it comes to my family than I have ever thought. Not being able to see our friends,family and the people we love, showed once more how insignificant our life is without love. And closure. Maybe this virus and the quarantine will make all of us understand that we can have as much money we want, fancy clothes or expensive stuff. We can have EVERYTHING we want. But if we do not have our family or the people we love and care for, with us to share all of this, we are NOTHING.

Hopefully, next year, things will go back to normal and we will be together and celebrate Easter. But there will be different versions of ourselves. Better ones. Because, by then, we will learn to appreciate more the freedom and love. And live in the moment, without excuses.

Be happy with yourself

Nobody can make you happy until you are happy with  yourself first. It is one of the most important lessons a woman needs to learn. This year taught me this the hardest way. I always was one of those people who care more about the needs of others and loved people more than myself.

I’ve always put myself in the last position, just to make sure that the ones around me are good. Little thing I knew that I was slowly, but surely losing myself. I got up to the point where I was exhausted, with a huge need for a break from reality. There were some problems and when I needed help, I realized that some of the people I was always there for, completely disappeared or told me that they have better things to do. That was the wake-up call. As a people pleaser, always seeking validation and attention from others, I decided it was time for a break. I felt empty, with no purpose in life, feeling like no people were caring or loving me. It was just me, myself and I.

I stayed in the darkness (mental darkness) for like 4 days. Refusing to get out of my room, sleeping and thinking. And one morning, I woke up and was like: it is time to care for myself. And the most important thing…..learn to love me again. I started to read, get involved in volunteering, do the things I loved the most. I even did a course that I wanted for years, but every time I was finding excuses to don’t. Done all the changes that I was craving for, but been too afraid to do them due to what people would say.

It’s been 2 months since I took that decision. And I frankly tell you that I am changed. It seems like the one I was at the beginning of the year, compared to the one I am now, is like 2 different persons in the same body. I don’t care about what others have to say, I don’t settle for less anymore, what I receive is what I give. I had people telling me (some of those who left me when I needed them the most) that they miss the old me as I was always there for them.

For all of you who are reading this and are in a similar situation, don’t ever leave yourself in second place. Your family, lover or friends can give you advice but it’s your decision on what you do with your life. Don’t live the life others want you to, live the life that makes you happy.

Keep going for your dreams, become the person you want and keep next to you only those who proved they are genuine. And never forget: You are the only RESPONSIBLE for your happiness. Look in the mirror and you will see the person that will always be there for you….and then you will realize your real value.